Ohio? Again?
By Max Udargo | March 4, 2008
Can we just fucking… I don’t know… fire Ohio? Times are tough, right? America needs to cut the fat and tighten its belt. Do we really need 50 states? Maybe it’s time to downsize. Maybe it’s time for Ohio to seek out new opportunities. They just don’t seem happy here. Maybe they’d be happier being a part of Nicaragua or Croatia or something.
Topics: Politics | 1 Comment »
The Four Tiers of Republican Presidential Hopefuls
By Max Udargo | January 19, 2008
Topics: Politics | 3 Comments »
The Divine Comedy
By Noah | September 30, 2007
We’ve fallen into a bizarre, comical routine. The crowd knows the routine, and it begins to gather around the perimeter of my property at dawn. They bring chairs and big parasols they can stick into the ground. Don’t these people have jobs? Yesterday I noticed that there were a couple of food vendors pushing carts up and down outside the fence that defines the boundary of my property. Shouldn’t I be getting a cut? I’m the master of ceremonies for this holy circus or celestial street theater or whatever the fuck this is. Let’s call it The Divine Comedy. Yeah, I like the sound of that.
Topics: Noah's Ark | No Comments »
Ron Paul Stupidly Says Something Intelligent
By Max Udargo | May 19, 2007
I just have to say something about this stir Ron Paul created during the last Republican debate with his comments about why al Qaeda attacked us on 9/11. Not because I’m a Ron Paul supporter, which I certainly am not, but because if this were still a Republic in which the citizens valued informed, rational, and honest discussion of the challenges that face us, Paul’s comments would have been unsurprising and uncontroversial.
Am I to understand that all this time after the 9/11 attacks the American people, in general, still have no clue about the motives of the people who attacked us? Americans aren’t aware that Osama bin Laden’s biggest issue was always the presence of American troops in Islamic countries and particularly on sacred Saudi soil? Do they really have no idea how important that issue is to fundamentalist Muslims?
Paul must have assumed the American people had made some effort to inform themselves about the enemy. Giuliani’s retort was obviously based on the cynical assumption that the American people have made no such effort, and that they prefer pandering, flattering nonsense about how the enemy “hates us for our freedom” to serious, honest discussion. I guess Giuliani was right, because most observers are certain Paul goofed and provided Giuliani with an easy opportunity that he deftly exploited.
Topics: Politics | 3 Comments »
A Blind Faith Kind of Thing
By Noah | June 11, 2006
God hates me.
It’s been a week now. I’ve spent a week out in the lettuce field pacing back and forth, waiting for some sign, looking for some inspiration, begging for just a hint. Something. Anything.
Nothing. Not a godblessed thing. Suddenly God doesn’t return my prayers. Isn’t that dandy? “The world is going to be destroyed in a great flood, Noah. You have to build a big boat, Noah. Now I’m off for an extended vacation, so leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Am I being punished? Is this some sort of cosmic joke? Is God laughing at me?
Those smug city bastards sure are. I’m a regular freakin’ sideshow out here. I’m the crazy old man who paces back and forth in his lettuce field talking to the sky. They gather in small groups on the edge of my property and point and laugh. Dear God, I sure hope this doesn’t all end with them not drowning. That would be unbearable.
And my family? Don’t get me started. This is nothing but an excuse to lay around and avoid work. But why should they work to keep the farm running when I’ve told them the world is coming to an end in a couple of months? What’s the point? They’re supposed to be building God’s big boat right now. But none of us has any clue how to build this thing, and God isn’t providing any guidance. What are we supposed to do?
Well, today I decided I had to do something. I started thinking maybe God wants us to just jump into this and get to work and then he’ll guide our actions. You know, one of those “blind faith” kind of things. Yeah, that must be it. Sure.
Topics: Noah's Ark | 4 Comments »
Conner
By Noah | May 30, 2006
Frankly, I’ve got no idea where to start on this project. I decided we’d build this thing in the fallow lettuce field at the south end of our land, so I went and stood in the middle of the field all morning waiting for some sign or some inspiration or something. Where to start? I honestly have no idea, and nothing came to me.
So Japheth finds me out there and he shows me a list he’s started of animals we’re going to need to round up. So far this is what he has:
Dog
Cat
Horse
Cow
Ox
Pig
Sheep
Mouse
Snake
Squirrel
I’m glad to see Japheth is willing to put aside his reservations and work with me on this. I tell him his list is a good start, and I pat him on the shoulder. He beams in response to my approval. Then Conner shows up.
Topics: Noah's Ark | 2 Comments »
Family Meeting
By Noah | May 27, 2006
You know, I should have known better than to think my family would be excited about this. What a bunch of whiners and complainers. I mean, you want to talk about knee-jerk negativity . . .
I describe the design specs given to me by God himself and Japheth immediately starts in with, “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” He keeps repeating that like a mantra. “That’s a big boat, but not big enough for two of every animal on earth. What about all the dinosaurs? We’re going to need a bigger boat.” Yeah, that’s my son Japheth. He’s smarter than God, didn’t you know.
Ham sits there looking sleepy through most of the conversation and then suddenly pipes up with this gem: “But dad, we’re triplets. It doesn’t make sense from a genetic perspective to use us to repopulate the earth.” Dear God Almighty. “From a genetic perspective,” he says, like one of those sissy know-it-alls from the city. Well, that’s some fine, sophisticated thinking, Ham. I’ll just go point that out to God and maybe he’ll reconsider and drown you three boys and save somebody else instead. Bonehead.
Shem is the only one who even tries to be positive. That Shem’s a good boy. He listens to Japheth’s whining about needing a bigger boat, and he suggests we hire some guy he knows from the city, who apparently knows all about animals and things, to be a kind of adviser. I don’t like the idea of letting an outsider in on our plans, especially some cheese-eating, wine-sipping, know-it-all from the city, but I see Shem is thinking this will help bring Japheth on board, so fine. If that’s what it takes.
And their wives? Don’t get me started. This whole thing is nothing but an excuse for drama and hysterics as far as they’re concerned. “God’s going to drown everybody? Even my aunt Lucy? Oh no!” Oh, just shut up. If God’s going to drown your aunt Lucy, then your aunt Lucy deserves a good drowning.
My wife doesn’t say a thing. She knows better. She’s been my wife for almost 600 years, and if I’ve taught her one thing, it’s when to keep her mouth shut.
Nobody knows what gopher wood is. Shem is going to ask around.
Praise God Almighty.
Topics: Noah's Ark | 1 Comment »
A Mission from God
By Noah | May 26, 2006
My name is Noah, and I am a god-fearing man surrounded by hell-bound sinners. The world is awash in evil, and my family and I have long been a lonely but steadfast island of godliness battered on all sides by waves of iniquity.
But all of that is about to change.
For the time has come when we will finally be rewarded for our faithful adherence to the righteous path. It has been a difficult and thankless struggle to maintain our purity. We have been beset on all sides by the mockery, treachery, and sleazy temptations of the ungodly. We have remained simple folk with humble hearts devoted to God, while those around us have taken on airs and elevated themselves above God in their own minds. They think they are smarter than us, and better than us, and they laugh at our simple faith and call it ignorance.
But all of that is about to change.
For tonight God spoke to me, and he gave me glad tidings. He has lost his patience with all the sin and iniquity in the world, and he’s going to wipe out all life on earth.
Every living thing that breathes will be drowned. But the best part is, he’s going to spare me and my family. Yes, he told me that me and mine are the only decent people on earth and he gave me instructions to build a big boat so that me and my three sons and our wives can survive the flood and my progeny will repopulate the earth.
This is such an honor. And such a responsibility. He gave me the specs for the boat – 500 feet long, 50 feet high, 80 feet wide, made out of gopher wood – and he explained that I’ve got to get two of every animal on earth, one male and one female, and herd them onto the boat so that we can repopulate the earth with all the animals that he’s going to wipe out with his big flood.
So this is a major project. None of us knows anything about shipbuilding, but I know God will provide whatever we need, even the skills needed to do the job. We’re going to have to build the boat, and then we’re going to have to round up all these animals to herd onto the boat. Two of every kind of animal on earth. I mean, that’s a major project.
Tomorrow morning, first thing, I’ll get the family together and fill them in. They’re going to be so excited. What an honor. To think, all these jerks and snobs and freaks and homos that live around us will soon be fish food, and my wonderful family will be repopulating the earth with decent, God-fearing children. What a great idea, God.
Praise God Almighty.
Topics: Noah's Ark | 1 Comment »
Bush Losing Core Supporters
By Max Udargo | May 11, 2006
WASHINGTON, May 11 – President Bush appears to be losing support among a key group of voters who had hitherto stood firmly with the president even as his poll numbers among other groups fell dramatically.
A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time, Bush’s approval rating has fallen below 50% among total fucking morons, and now stands at 44%. This represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken just last December, when 62% of total fucking morons expressed support for the president and his policies.
Topics: Politics | 42 Comments »
Dear Voter
By Max Undargo | May 6, 2006
Greetings fellow true American,
My name is Max Undargo and I am running as the Republican candidate for the House of Representatives in your district. I would like your vote. I am writing you to let you know where I stand on the issues that matter to you.
Liberal Democrats would like to distract you from what’s important by constantly talking about things like gas prices, failed foreign policies, soaring national debt, corruption scandals, incompetent responses to domestic disasters, global warming, domestic spying, old men being shot in the face by the Vice President and a myriad of other non-issues. But I know what’s really on your mind. I know what’s really important to true Americans:
Mexicans.
What the liberal Democrats don’t want you to know is that Mexicans are really the source of all of America’s problems. Let’s look at the facts:
- Mexico is an exporter of oil. Mexicans are responsible for high gasoline prices
- Over 150 of the “American” soldiers killed in Iraq were of Mexican descent. Mexicans are why we’re losing the war in Iraq
- Katrina attacked New Orleans from the Gulf of MEXICO
- If you revalue America’s $8 trillion national debt in Mexican pesos, the debt becomes over $89 trillion
- The 9/11 hijackers were immigrants from another country. Mexicans are immigrants from another country. Mexicans are responsible for 9/11
So the next time some bleeding-heart, liberal, multiculturalist, politically-correct, Democratic candidate for Congress tells you that America’s problems are caused by corrupt Republican Congressmen letting oil industry lobbyists pay for their whores, you tell him you’re nobody’s fool. You know the real problem is the Mexicans.
Damn Mexicans. Don’t you hate them? I sure do.
They sneak into our country illegally to steal our lettuce-picking jobs using the excuse that they’re poor and desperate, and yet they don’t even have the decency to learn English first. How hard could it be to learn English? I speak it fluently without ever having had a single lesson.
But they refuse to speak English. Why? Because they hate America. And England too, probably.
Real Americans know that it is long past time we stood up to the Mexican menace. So this November, don’t let yourself be distracted by $4/gallon gas prices. Don’t let the liberal Democrats divert your attention to the ongoing US casualties in the Iraq war by telling you that the war is training a new generation of terrorists, threatening to destabilize the Middle East, costing Americans over $200 million every day, or some other such nonsense. Don’t let those who hate America shift the conversation to old-hat issues like Katrina, the Dubai ports debacle, botched Social Security and Medicare reforms, Osama bin Laden, or the Vice President of the United States shooting old men in the face.
Don’t be distracted by the endless corruption scandals involving the highest levels of Republican leadership. The liberal Democrats are going to be talking a lot about this silly affair with the lobbyists and the prostitutes, but do your best to ignore that. Stay focused on what’s important to real Americans:
Mexicans. Those damn Mexicans. They’re the problem.
And vote Republican. Vote for me. Because I understand what’s really important to real Americans.
Looking forward to representing your interests in Congress,
Max Undargo
Topics: Politics | 5 Comments »